keep calm and carry on
It seems almost impossible to write the last newsletter of the year without doing some sort of cliche reflection or ubiquitous “top 10” lists of some sort. But, for those of us whose life and work don’t lend themselves neatly into a calendar cycle, the end of the year seems forced upon us to fake a reset button, which I guess can be a good thing. I mean, when else would I take two whole days to clean out and organize our cluttered, 1980s kitchen? (It is crazy how many packs of ketchup, Chick-fil-a sauces and ramen seasonings we have accumulated in the last 5 years.) But from a less mundane perspective, all my endless to-do lists, kids’ activities and desperate attempts to run a business seem to simply laugh in my face while trampling on the idea of a “fresh new start” on January 1.
Just before the holiday season, my husband was telling me about his year-end review he had with his boss and his new year’s resolution. At that moment, I realized that, not having a boss to pat me on the back or having any tangible results to affirm a job well done, my sense of self-identity and even self-worth don’t fit into the linear path shaped by the beginning and end of a 12-month year. In a way, it’s liberating to say to yourself, well, what I do and how I live is not dictated by months, quarters and years. But at the same time, it’s disorienting not to have that conventional anchor to guide me. It’s like being Alice in Wonderland, watching White Rabbit running to and from places with his pocket watch, while Alice tries to figure out where the hell she’s meant to be going.
So, as the year comes to a close, I don’t have many loose ends to tie and pack away along with the rest of 2021. Rather, it feels like I’m still in mid-action for all my projects and responsibilities that don’t have a neat end in sight, but evolve continuously, as if I’m a living Mobius. So, instead of summing up my past year into an eloquent reflection, I’m simply taking stock of myself in the present and being mindful of where I am in my headspace at the moment.
Through a startup business program I did recently, I got to have a free coaching session, which felt more like a therapy session to be honest with you. I won’t recount the gory details of my messed up head that this coach managed to dredge up, but one of the things she floated was the idea of having it all on my own terms. This came about because a lot of my inner struggles seemed to be based on (or maybe even caused by) my conviction that it’s not possible to have it all and that life is all about prioritizing and sacrificing.
I mean, what does it even mean to have it all? I guess it depends on each person. But the fact that I have started to question this idea instead of assuming it as a negative conviction feels empowering and irreverent. Maybe it is possible have it all (if you know what you want)? That feels pretty audacious. I will be welcoming the new year with this pondering state of mind. It won’t necessarily be a “fresh new start” as we’re supposed to do on the first day of the year, but more of a renewed focus on the existing and the ongoing.